So just when I thought I couldn't feel worse about myself -- you know, the whole here-I-am-ditching-another-manuscript-so-I'm-beating-myself-up thing -- I get the following in an email from my Cousin Neesie:

(click for bigger picture)

Now, normally, this is the type of thing you send all your girlfriends so you can all Hee-Hee- Haa-Haa and commiserate with each other about men's habits. And I agree, it's funny! Or it would be, if I wasn't the one reading it.

Reasons why this is not so much with The Funny to me:

1) While I know HOW to fill up ice trays, umm... I sometimes forget to follow-through. I won't say how often the empties end up stacked on the counter or they get filled with water but fail to make it all the way to the freezer. Basically? Mr. Clean has started buying bags of ice during the summer months.

2) Toilet Paper rolls. Heh. Yeah, I'm not so good with this one either. I find going to the bathroom an interruption of my time. So I do it quickly. Taking the time to remove the used roll and replace it with a new one? Nahhh. I just set the new one on top of the old roll. I live with boys so no one complains. And in my defense, I do actually put new ones ON the holders like once a month or so.

3) Okay, this is a valid beef... especially for me, living with the three boys like I do. It only took me falling into the toilet at two o'clock in the morning (ONCE) to threaten the lives of every male in my house. They're pretty good now at putting the seats down. As far as Seat Sprinkling - I think I blogged about this before,
here. Women are BY FAR the worst offenders in that area, I'm sorry to say it.

4) We have a laundry hamper. I know where it's located. I usually make it there. I'll admit, however, that the only main reason dirty clothes make it to the hamper is that if they don't... Schatzi, the psycho cat, will christen them. On the flip side of that, my hope chest - at the end of my bed - has a magnetic tractor beam for clean, folded clothes. They never seem to make it to my drawers. At least they're neat and folded, though!

5) My dinner dishes DO make it to the sink. And then I bribe my boys to put them in the dishwasher. I have a psychotic serious abhorrence to seeing little bits of food in the sink. It makes me gag. I won't touch anything in the vicinity. My boys have a STINKY NASTY BAD habit of dumping their cereal bowls into the sink... leaving little spongy mush Cheerios sitting there in the drain where they wait to jump up and bite me. So. I Do Not Do Dishes.

6) Ahhh, the remote. If there's one genetic defect in my makeup that PLAINLY and BLATANTLY states I should have been a boy... it's the fact that I am the Holder Of The Remote. It drives me BATSHIT CRAZY to listen to commercials and Mr. Clean is just not quick enough with the mute button for me. Plus, I have an illness I like to check what's on other channels during commercials. Because I KNOW I am missing something important. Something I wanted to watch. Something I have FORGOTTEN about. (and invariably something I hear about from other people the next day, leaving me to scuff my toe and make up excuses as to why I missed the premier of such-and-such show... because I am LAME and FORGETFUL.)

7) Last, but not least... OMG, this is SO me. Every time I cannot find something (shoes, books, the remote, batteries, my pens, my bookmarks, where I hid my chocolate), I tend towards the manic "Someone STOLE MY SHIT" direction. I am CONVINCED - as I Stomp-Stomp-Stomp around the house - that someone has indeed come into my house and has STOLEN whatever it is I am looking for. Every time. And when I FIND what I was looking for... well... the FAERIES must be playing tricks on me again. The End. And I thank them (out loud) for returning my stuff.

Apology to my boys' future therapists - Yes, this is probably the main reason my kids believe in Faeries. And yes, I have FAILED to remove this idea from their heads... to the point that they now claim Faeries have stolen their shit, too.

So. In conclusion... it looks like I should have been a BOY. Because OBVIOUSLY I am not good at being a GIRL. I think I might blame this on my parents -- My Dad perpetuated the "someone stole my shit" stomping and my Mom is (still) the quintessential Tomboy. It wasn't until my late TEENS that I found dresses and even then, they tended towards 80's-Hair-Band-Groupie than anything I would consider "girly". I'm happy to announce, though, I have started buying SHOES. Sure, they are mostly flip-flops but Dammit, the last pair I bought were PINK.

I'm still not giving up the remote control, though.

p.s. Thanks, Neesie. I feel SO good about myself now!

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7 Responses
  1. Denise Says:

    Ahhhhh, I didn't mean to make you feel bad, trust me I have issues too!

  2. bubbles Says:

    #2.. the toilet paper is my worst as well. Mr. Bubbles (love that BTW) is doing a great job of breaking that habit. But... #6 I must say comes from being at the Lake with Papa... he is the worst channel flipper. I am emailing you about the wonderful surprise my amazing boyfriend did for me this weekend! Love you.

  3. dragonfly Says:

    Oh Neesie... it was FUNNY, and then I said, "Hey, wait... that's me. And that one! And, OMG, that one too." Then it was just SAD (but still FUNNY). It's a good thing to be able to laugh at yourself!

  4. dragonfly Says:

    LOL.. Papa is So Much Worse than I am. Mine comes from sheer boredom. I just can't stand to sit there and watch a commercial I've seen a million times. Not when I can catch a snatch of something else real quick! *grin*

    SURPRISE?? Oooooh, what surprise??? I can't wait!

  5. Deb R Says:

    re: #6 - do you have TiVo? Because seriously, you NEED TiVo. I don't know how I ever bothered to watch TV without it. You hear about a TV show you might want to see someday, just do a search on it, create a timer (1 click of the remote - maybe two if you simply must customize) - then never think of it again until you feel like bothering to watch it. I'm with you on the mute thing. Commercials MUST be muted IMMEDIATELY!

    I gave you an award on my blog today. :-)

    Check it out

    PS....You GO on the pink flip flops!!

  6. But for the ice cube trays (I'm religious about those b/c drinks are famously lukewarm in southern Italy), I'm right there with you. I *have* gotten a bit better since living with my OH, but not by much I'm afraid....

    I came over, btw, from Deb's place :)

  7. Janet Says:

    I'm always after my Dad to rinse out his cereal bowl...must be a man thing. LOVED that toilet post, I want to tape it to the wall about the toilet in the rest room at work LOL!

    I came over via Deb's place, too!