Dragonfly
I woke up this morning... late. I did not hear the scary alarm. Or really, I heard it - while sleeping - and then snoozed it - while sleeping - for an hour. It goes off every 10 minutes. I snoozed the scary alarm SIX times. While sleeping.

If that doesn't prove I have some sleep issues, I don't know what does.

Issue, the first: I should probably go to sleep BEFORE 4 o'clock in the morning.

Issue, the second: When Mr. Clean comes homes bearing luscious yummy iced coffees... I should probably not drink them, drawing it out until 9pm. Instead, I should put them in the fridge so I have a luscious yummy iced coffee in the morning. Bonus: I'll get up early in anticipation of drinking them!

Issue, the third: This book. (I'll explain more on this later)

Issue, the fourth: I need a vacation day in order to get my sleep pattern back on track.

The book. Ohhhh, the book.

I love it. All 894 words. Yes, you DID read that correctly. Remember I scrapped the big word count and then ended up with a little word count - but it was all exposition and info-dumping? I scrapped that, too.

I'm about to share some of my weirdness, so strap yourselves in.

You know how people who write sometimes talk about muses? Well mine... she is funny in the head.

Way back when, I had a habit of emailing my best guy friend - CBoy - when I was bored. I have this attention thing, as in "I need some" and he always responded in the most glorious ego-stroking way. So I kept emailing. The emails themselves; a sight to behold. I'd see something on Yahoo Odd News and just go nuts with "what if".

Once, I saw a news article regarding monkeys choosing between juice boxes and pictures of other monkeys. They were choosing the pictures over the juice. In my mind, this translated into a huge Monkey P*rn scandal, whereby the monkeys turned rebel when the pictures stopped coming. Because, you know, who needs juice boxes when there's P*RN?? That translated into three really nifty emails where I exposed my innermost crazy to my best friend, and instead of replying back to tell me he was now scared of me.... he replied back with: "Please send more! I can't stop laughing!!"

Ego. Stroking.

But then he got busy, changed jobs, etc. etc. etc. and quit reading email. My muse died a little inside because no one else in my life is capable of handling these epic, rambling 2am emails of warped spewage.

Well, the other night, I emailed again and Oh! Oh! My muse-whore was happy happy, indeed. She did cartwheels in my brain and then she unlocked a door I've been peeking through and revealed where I REALLY wanted to go with this book.

See, the emails basically unloaded all the wandering hordes of CRAP in my brain, allowing me to see some of the important stuff! Like, book stuff. (Yes, I am a little hot-wired.) And I don't even CARE that CBoy hasn't replied yet with any ego-stroking. It's all good.... because I am writing and thinking about writing and waiting for another moment to write.

Ok, that's a lie --- after I wrote the above, I was overcome with questions and my brain began hyperventilating with, "I do care that he hasn't replied. Why hasn't he replied? Was what I wrote NOT funny? Oh my God, maybe it was sucky not funny and he doesn't know what to say in response!" (<--- this? Is not good. And now I have to call him to give him crap about not replying)

Momentary self-esteem fuse-blowing over. Moving on...

Even with emailing CBoy, it's hard to write because my brain? It is a jokester. It is a Not-Funny Jokester. It's like going to a comedy club with free tickets and then you find out the comedian SUCKS. I don't see what I'm writing in my head as words or thoughts. My brain likes to show me everything in MOVIES. But not ANY old movie format. Oh no! I see what I'm writing like you would see a YouTube video on a DIAL-UP connection.

First, you read the little copy-writing on the side, so you know roughly what the video is about before you click play. Then, you click play and it starts. "Hey," you think, "this is pretty good!" But then it just sort of hangs up and stops playing, leaving you with a still image of someone's mouth in a freaky position because they were in the middle of saying something. You look down and realize, it's not finished loading yet and you've caught up to the download line. *sigh*

So you wait... and wait... and wait some more. And then - Oh! Look! - it played Five More Seconds of video. And stopped again.

"Gah!!"

Tap. Tap. Tap. You wait, trying to be patient. "Good Lord, load already!"

"Woo hoo!!!" It starts again and you get 20 more seconds.

It stops. "Noooooooo!"

Patience be damned, you rewind the whole thing and start it over, thinking perhaps this time it'll play all the way through since you're giving it more time to load... and seriously? Watching things in snatches of 5-20 seconds isn't REALLY watching.

You get all the way through what you've already seen PLUS... 3 more seconds. It stops. Again.

Rewind, Restart, Stop, Repeat.

Folks - welcome to my brain on book. This is how I write. Everything I write, I see in my head like a little YouTube video on dial-up, playing pieces over and over, each time getting only a little farther down the line. And THIS is why I cannot sleep. When I go to bed each night, the movie starts playing and I am SO afraid that if I fall asleep WHILE it's playing, I will miss: a scene! a random line of dialogue that's important! or even a face I have not seen before!

It's frustrating, mostly because I can FEEL what's just beyond, I just can't see it clearly enough to grasp completely - thus my fear of missing ANYTHING.

However! Emailing CBoy late at night when my brain resembles the exiting crowd of a super-bowl stadium - it helps clear out all that junk, gives me a quick & dirty grasp of what's next (which I write down) and then leaves my brain detritus-free for sleeping. As long as I haven't sipped on some luscious yummy iced coffee before bedtime, that is.

Okay, I have to get back to work now. I took a wee little break in order to make sure I posted something today because, tonight? LOST is coming back. Oh, I know it's just a recap episode but still! LOST! I can't wait.

p.s. I AM going to finish this book this year!! I'm working on a SCHEDULE because if I cannot be a plotter (I am not) and I have to write by the seat of my pants (I do), then I at least need the organization of a schedule telling me when to SIT MY ASS DOWN AND WRITE. This is a good thing.
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3 Responses
  1. Beeswax, Says:

    Hh ya, it's me!....you r making me choke on my lunch! And if that's not bad enough, i am texting this from my mobile -(cell phone) ! My computor is broken, so am using this darn thing to blog...small screen and phone kdys to type! Hence the spelling mistakes... It's driving me ntts ,get my comp back tomorrow... So my email obv not working eitger. But can email from this phone...it just takes ages to type on it. Pheeeww! Will post to u when i get my comp back.. U are hilarious.. Ever thought bout writting a book.!!!...lol :) speak soon. Kath x


  2. katkin Says:

    Your brain on book sounds like it works pretty good and no nasty side effects like some drugs. May your "movie" continue to play out to a wonderful conclusion.......


  3. Dancinfairy Says:

    It is funny but I just do not get pictures in my head. I can describe something that I am thinking about but there are no pictures. I still have a lot of junk cluttering up my mind though!

    Green fingered news to report - Paul has planted some seeds and now has 5 cabbages ranging from 2mm high to the grand 3cm high. I am very proud however he is using the spare bedroom as a greenhouse because it is too cold in our conservatory at the moment apparently. Our garden is coming on though but we have had high winds and now half of our fence is down. Oh well!