All my life, I've heard the phrase, "You have to learn to be patient." When I was a mere spawnling, my mother told me, daily, "Find your patience." One day, I gave her a solemn and serious look - as solemn and serious as a child of 6 or so can be - and replied, "I can't find her. She ran away in the woods. I don't think she'll be coming back soon." And I was right.

Patience, for many years now, has lived in those fantasical woods. I always envisioned her as enjoying the outdoor life. She's made herself a little yurt and decorated it a'la I Dream of Jeannie. Occasionally, she enjoys brief visits from Grace and Folly. They don't stay long.

This year, however, I made a resolution to bring Patience home. I employed bribery and cajoling to keep her here and she seemed to enjoy her new surroundings. I know my people did. The result was a much calmer dragonfly. No longer did I lose my shit every time the spawnlings started a McBickerfest at the tops of their lungs in the back seat. Instead I sat back, employed Patience, and tuned them out. I thought everything was wonderful.

Tuesday night, the wonderful cracked. One second I was fine. The next, I was positive some invisible force was trying to stab through my head with a metal shish kabob skewer, via my ear. I can't explain the pain any clearer. I thought, "Crap, a migraine? An earache?" and then took a pain pill and went to bed. The next morning, it had spread. Now it was a shooting pain in my ear, followed by heavy throbbing in my cheekbone, upper and lower jar, head, and down my neck. Where's The Fruitbat??

If I sat up, it lessened considerable. If I laid down, it was intense. I took two Darvocet that night and then, an hour later, an Advil chaser. It didn't do SQUAT. I ended up watching quite a bit of TV, sleeping for 15 minutes at a time (how long it took to go from bearable pain to holy-crap-I-want-to-scream-but-that'll-just-make-it-worse).

Coupled with my previous bouts of vertigo and dizziness, I became convinced I was suffering from an inner ear infection. Thursday, I went to the doctor and begged, "Please? Please can you fix my ear? Cut it off. I don't care. Just make this pain go away."

Doc (calm & cool after looking in my ear): So. How much stress are you under these days?
Me (beaming with pride): Why none! None at all, because I have found Patience and she keeps me from exploding!
Doc (laughing): Well. Where do you think all that exploding impatience has gone to?
Me: *shrug* Not here. I'm cool as a cucumber, except this pain in my ear? It makes me want to scream. There is an infection in there. Or maybe a foreign object, though I'm not sure how that could happen.
Doc (trying to keep her laughter under control): How do you know it's not a dental issue?
Me (smarty-pants): HA! I know it's not a dental issue because I clench my teeth and They. Don't. Hurt. My ear does. It's an ear infection. Right?
Doc (sitting down b/c she's now laughing so hard): Umm, wrong. What you have is Acute TMJ, from clenching your teeth. It would have been better to let all that stress out in a way that's normal for you.

Patience is a bitch. She can go back to her yurt and stay there.

All of my gum has been taken away from me. I am a gum junky. Now I'm a miserable gum junky going through Eclipse detox.

I cannot chew Anything for THREE days (only soups, ice cream, or mashed potato like substances can pass these lips). Mr. Clean and the spawnlings ate pizza last night. In. Front. Of. Me. I had broth.

I am not supposed to talk excessively, which, for me, means not at all. See, I only have 'Silence' and 'Excessive Talking' buttons. I didn't come with an in between button.

AND, I have to wear a stupid mouth guard to bed so I don't clench my teeth while sleeping. Grrrrr.

What's worse? They gave me a SHOT in my heinie. In! My! Heinie! I actually begged the nurse not to do it. I told her I'd give her Money if she'd lie and say she stuck me but really didn't. And then I cried. Because the damn thing HURT. The nurse laughed and asked if I wanted a Sponge Bob bandaid. I gave her an evil death ray stare. She ran out of the room, her hair on fire.

The only good thing to come out of it was some very Pretty muscle relaxers. I'm catching up on all the sleep I could possibly want.

Patience is not being invited back.
Labels: , , | edit post
3 Responses
  1. Deb R Says:

    I've always gotten along much better with Stubbornness - Patience's ugly stepsister. She gets a bad rap, but she's much less annoying than Patience and she gets the job done even if she does it in a way that's not quite so sweet. :-)

    Hope the lovely drugs help you soon!!

  2. Dancinfairy Says:

    Wow, all that pain from clenching your jaw.

    So you have to let it all out but you can't because you are not allowed to talk. Crazy!

    Hope it is better

  3. dragonfly Says:

    Deb - Stubborness has permanent residence here. She is, however, coming out of the closet now. *grin*

    Fairy - yeah, I didn't think that was Possible! The no-talking is driving me crazy as the spawnlings won't quit asking me questions. Grrr.