It’s been quiet on the blog front. Again. I spent most of the last two evenings on the web, looking for lighting so we can work up an estimate for the new house. How hard is it to find a kitchen island light, mini-pendants for the kitchen bar, a medium-sized dining room chandelier, and a foyer light – all matching pieces of the same collection (without breaking the bank in the process)? Fruit-batting Impossible, or so it seems.

I haven’t finished looking at websites, however. If there’s a collection out there with the right look, the right pieces, and within the budget – I’m going to find it (or, cliché notwithstanding, they’ll be prying my cold dead fingers from the keyboard).

The other reason for my brief bout of silence is one I’d hoped not to address here but as it refuses to exit my brain, I’m going to try purging. You’ll have to excuse me, though. I’m not very good at purging. It’s not something I normally go for, relying instead on a seemingly endless amount of inner bottle to contain my shite.

Recently, I stumbled across some information about someone I knew way back when - we’ll call that person T-Cat – and it’s kicked my Shining Goddess, Savior of Strays complex into high gear. We’re not talking simple overdrive here. We’re talking flick the NOS switch and feel the Gs shoving you back against the driver’s seat. It’s times like this, I don’t like my empathic quirks very much. As a matter of fact, if I could figure out a way to dig a big hole and bury them… I would. Quickly. In China.

T-Cat and I used to be fairly close, for a number of years, but then there was a falling out and things never got back to “good”. Perhaps “tip-toe-ingly social” could describe it. Anyway.

The fact is, despite my inner Savior of Strays complex acting up, there’s nothing I could possibly do to help T-Cat. The bed’s been built and made up to the nines, with a staggeringly expensive duvet, even. There’s no choice left to my old friend but to take a very long snooze in that bed and hope for dreams that don’t wake one up screaming.

And yet, despite that, I have an intense hankering to ask T-Cat, “Why???” as though I might be able to do something with the answer. My inner SoS thinks just maybe she could SAY something or DO something to make it better. *snort* I think my inner SoS has been smoking crack again.

What I really want to say - in my non-candy-coated way – is, “I’m so fruit-batting disappointed in you. Really. Disappointed. WTF were you thinking?”

I’m angry. And mightily disillusioned. But in the midst of all these vibrantly colored emotions is a tiny pink little voice that wants to sidle up next to T-Cat and say, “Here, take my hand. Everything will be okay.”

Except it won’t. And I can’t. It would be an emotional trap in the long run.

So. T-Cat... I wish things were different and that the people around you hadn’t let you down so badly. I wish you’d stayed smart and sure of yourself instead of rushing pell-mell down this path of self-destruction. I wish I had the ability to be there for you without harming myself in the process. I hope one day you can find your way back to that shining larger than life person I knew – the one who raced down the road and sang along to Free Bird blaring on the radio, the one who had hopes and dreams and the ambition to reach them.

I’m not a religious person, per se, but I said a prayer for T-Cat. I think it will be needed in the very near future. In the meantime, I’ll keep track of things from afar and hope the end results help T-Cat ultimately find T-Cat again, however that needs to happen.

I still itch to pick up the phone, though… damn it.

So. That purging thing wasn’t too bad. Not quite the pulling teeth feeling I thought it’d be. I won’t make it a habit, though. Promise.

Moving on to good news…

Yippee Skippy! I made it to the Blogging 4 Books finalist list this month, with this post about Magic. There were thirty posts this month – Awesome participation! Go read all of them here. And next month… ENTER. It’s sort of like purging. It might freak you out a little at first, putting everything out there, but in the long run it’s worth it.

EDIT - I just realized that no one will understand the Savior of Strays reference... as that was a B4B entry made before I had the blog part of blogging 4 books. Anyway, I re-posted it here on my blog.
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1 Response
  1. Farm Girl Says:

    Congratulations on the B4B. Good for you. As far as your friend, only she can fix herself. She is the one that made whatever decisions it is that she made and she needs to live with the ramifications of such. I think as women our tendancy is to try and fix things but I have learned through experiences in my life that it isn't realistic or possible. I hope you can find some peace within yourself to just leave her to deal with her stuff. I know, very hard to do. ((((HUGS)))))